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Don’t Pick “Force Awakens” Apart Already

Let’s just get this out of the way now. You’re going to want this as a reference later in the article.



Today we’re going to offer rebuttals to arguments already flooding social media about Star Wars: The Force Awakens, hopefully before the articles full of that bullshit even hit our glorious “series of toobz.” This will be short and sweet, matching the trailer.

I’ve already heard people griping about the trailer apparently opening on Tatooine, as if 6 movies of Tatooine references are enough. These people are Sith and should not be trusted. Tatooine is symbolic of the awesomeness of A New Hope. The trailer (and by extension hopefully the entire movie) featuring Tatooine is meant to recall that era of awesome instead of…whatever Episodes I-III were. Besides, we’re making an assumption that that IS Tatooine. How many canon jungle planets does Star Wars have? Can’t there be 2 desert worlds?

The black Stormtrooper at 0:24 is a nod not only to this movie’s increased cast diversity, but also possibly to the Expanded Universe canon that Stormtrooper units started using personnel besides clones around the time of A New Hope because comic-book genetic engineering tropes that we won’t get into here. And THAT’S assuming that a New Republic isn’t using Clone Wars era armor styles again, or that he’s not a good guy in stolen armor. In fact, his appearance during the “there has been an awakening” line seems to imply that he’ll end up Jedi or Sith. Just stop pooping on the black stormtrooper, guys.

The R-series astromech on the soccerball? (0:29) Yea, I’ve got nothing. It’s oddly silly, but not the silliest thing to come out of the canon by a longshot. Remember that Return of the Jedi had a Kowakian Lizard Monkey in it, and it was as dumb as it sounds.


I’m glad to see speeder-bikes in the future (0:40) aren’t quiet as fragile-looking. I guess everyone else learned from Aratech Repulsor’s mistakes with the Imperial 74-Z.

Oh yes, that looks sturdy and safe. Ages 12 & up.

Oh yes, that looks sturdy and safe. Ages 12 & up.

I can’t even talk about the X-Wings. The sleek redesign is cool, but honestly I teared up a little and don’t want to talk about it.

At 0:54 we get to the rub. #LightsaberGate. On the one side are those who think placing energy blades that can melt steel right next to one’s wrist is probably a bad idea. On the other are those that think it’s a pretty neat idea, since only a lightsaber blade could ever act as a wristguard against another lightsaber. Both of these sides are stupid. It looks cool and evil and invokes the imagery of Scottish claymores, which means the design of the weapon just told us EVERYTHING about how his character fights. And that is cool.

Then we break to Millenium Falcon versus TIE Fighters, with the classic music playing. Nothing to analyze here. Classic, Episodes IV-VI nostalgia porn. Fanservice. Awesomeness. People who complain about fanservice of this kind don’t understand that fanservice can be good or bad, tasteful or offensive, bland or exciting. This scene is…

I’ll be in my bunk.

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