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E3 X-Box One: X-Boneheads


It’s been awhile since we covered some purely gaming news, but it’s E3 time, that wonderful time of the year when the big names in electronic gaming see just how much suffering they can inflict on their loyal fanbase without driving it away. Every year, we crawl back hoping it will be better than the last time, like an abused divorcee who just can’t let their crazy partner go. Last year, we got a bunch of disappointing Sequel-Fu, a sad promise of the same monotony we had the previous year. This year, the Big Three in gaming are locked in the latest console war as the new generation of systems’ launch dates approach. Only, for once, there’s a good bit of independent competition as well, in the form the Ouya and the Steambox, among others. Which is why I’m baffled….nay, I’m fucking frustrated as a color-blind quadriplegic playing Twister, by whatever the hell Microsoft thinks they’re doing.

I’m going to rip up the rest of E3 at a later date; but right now I just want to see if anyone, anywhere, can tell me: what the hell is going on with the X-Box One. They were already losing the public relations battle from the starting gate when the original name for the system linked. Once everyone knew about “Xbox Infinite,” or “Infinity,” or “Forever Bullshit,” or whatever, it was immediately changed to “Xbox One”. We know after several explanations that it’s supposed to be suggestive of the console’s all-in-one capabilities, but really it’s just confusing. Why is the third in the series called X-Box One? If they make another, will it be X-Box Two? It may seem like nitpicking on my part, but things like this influence public perception and marketability in more drastic ways than most people realize.

And speaking of public perception, most people have already shortened “X-Box One” to “XBone”, often pronounced “X-Bone”. As in “bonehead.” Yea, smooth move, Microsoft name-giving guys of greater fail-itude.

Even more fail than this guy. Courtesy of www.mustlook.com

Even more fail than this guy.
Courtesy of http://www.mustlook.com

Let’s take on the new talking points they brought up at E3: The console is going to be $499. That’s….fucking hilarious, actually. With all the bad press the system is already catching, making it ludicrously high-priced isn’t going to help you. For that price, I could turn my old computer (which was built in 2006 and last updated in 2010) into a kick-ass gaming rig. And speaking of computer-like features, the E3 reveal of the XBone both denied and confirmed our worst fear about the console. While the system doesn’t require an Internet connection to work, it was admitted that many of the new titles for the XBone require Cloud Processing to function at optimum, or possibly at all. So yea, you can disconnect the system from the internet, but good luck playing any of your high-end games.  You know, the games that are the only reason you bought a new-generation console. Games you won’t be able to afford anyway because you dropped five Benjamins on an over-priced console, then another $100 for Internet with enough bandwidth for you to use your cellphone, computer, and the console that never goes offlline, even when you turn the motherfucker off!

The people who’ll really pay the price are convention organizers, tournament hosts, and gaming organizations. Most of those people (which include me and most of the other Datahaven staff) don’t have the resources available to E3 or other large conventions. They cannot always get a venue where they can connect to Wi-Fi. As an example, most American universities I’ve visited have firewalls in place to prevent consoles from connecting to any Wi-Fi that’s not in their Housing Department, mainly because even massive universities have to pay for their bandwidth. With the XBone’s current setup, no Wi-Fi means no tournaments or competitions for a lot of high-end games. Among the age group that most commonly purchases video games (graduate and undergraduate students), a game’s social component (namely the bragging rights associated with Shoryuken-ing other guys in the crotch so hard their grandchildren will walk funny), is a leading factor in popularity.

In other words, Microsoft took a big lubed up chainsaw, covered in a dildo-chain and dipped in hot sauce, and then screwed itself with it. Right in the college-age booty-hole.

The sign was added because of the XBone. Thanks a lot, assholes. Courtesy of www.collegecandy.com

The sign was added because of the XBone. Thanks a lot, assholes.
Courtesy of http://www.collegecandy.com

As if Microsoft needed more bad publicity, there’s rumors that they’re paying 3rd-party publishers to not showcase their PS4 games. PS4’s third-party support is one of its best selling points; but after a stunt like this it’s apparent that Sony’s best selling point is not being dicks. Though since the company is named Microsoft, they’d at least be limp dicks. Little, microscopic, flaccid, Asian-sized penises.


Josh Snow is a skeptical transhumanist and some-time freelance writer. He’s a former X-Box loyalist who’s now going to get a PS4, probably just in time for it to be outdated. Until then, he’ll be hoping Microsoft gets their shit together, and possibly talking about it on Twitter @ArkangelWinter

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