Home > Joshua Snow, Technology > Tech Gestalts 4: Welcome Back, Welome Back, Welcome Back

Tech Gestalts 4: Welcome Back, Welome Back, Welcome Back

This did not happen. Unfortunately.

This did not happen. Unfortunately.

It’s a new year, and more importantly a new Sixth World.  Now, you may think that means an asteroid plummeting through the atmosphere to burn the flesh from our bones and incinerate our comic book collections, or some kind of New-Age hippy stuff that I’m sure I’d be interested in if I still possessed a single ray of optimism. Or maybe it’s all a load of malarkey. Meh.

One thing it does mean is that we are back at the Datahaven, and we are going to hit the ground running like our (unfortunate) hiatus never happened. So without further ado….


(and driving)

The Bullet  airship is designed by E-Green Technologies. It’s what they call a stratellite, a portmanteau of “stratosphere” and “satellite”. Its armored balloon-segment has ten times the impact resistance of steel. That’s like being made out of bark spider silk, which is either awesome or disgusting. It’s awesome because Spider-Man and his Amazing friends are apparently designing our weapons now; it’s disgusting because anything that can be related to spiders and their butt-strings is disturbing.


At 235 feet long, it’s smaller than World War Two era airships, but this big superhero-spider-poop-mobile is also much faster. It’s supposed to be used largely for surveillance, cargo-hauling, and atmospheric research. But it’s got so many more applications than that: missile detection, electronic countermeasures, a weapons platform, or the coolest of all.

Communications relay.

You may be missing why that’s the most awesome thing ever in the history of dork flying gas bags.  That’s because you’re not very creative. Or you missed our piece on futuristic communications here.

You see, we can now entangle particles at a quantum level, then use lasers to launch one half of their pair up to 89 miles. After that, the pair is technically one object occupying two places at the same time (because apparently our technology no long gives a shit about physics or your existential nightmares). Because of this ridiculous bending of common sense, anything that happens to one half of the pair happens to the other one instantly. You may notice that instantly is faster than really fast, because it’s instantly. The key problem with this Lovecraftian communication method (is that adjective appropriate there? I guess it is) is that lasers go in what scientific types call a straight line, making it very difficult to set up new connections in a changing environment, like say, a battlefield.

These bad-boys solve that problem. Cruising at a height of around 20,000 feet (about 6000m for our European friends), they could beam quantum particles down to receivers on the ground. Now, sure there are some obvious military applications. For once, you couldn’t count at all the shits I don’t give about that. Because I have the greatest idea ever.


Come on. Every single car on the road is outfitted with some form of computer. In the future, they’ll all be decently able to communicate via GPS software. With increasing automation of features (like, you know, the whole driving thing) appearing to be the future of automobiles, one of these bad boys (pre-loaded with quantum pairs, of course, because entangling is probably more complicated than a Mormon man’s anniversary calendar) could be instantaneously linked to every car in the town via its communication-laser-of-super-stuff.  With it as the central hub, every car on the road would be in constant and instant communication with every other car, feeding into each others’ computers and sensors to reduce wrecks and share traffic news, weather patterns, and visual signs of distress. It’d be like every vehicle in the town being an Autobot in vehicle form, except without the cool rocket launchers and energy swords.

At the same time, people in the vehicles could be linked to one another through the same system. How many times have you seen someone ahead of you and really wished you could tell him his trunk’s open? Or his taillights out? Or to take that Buick, shine it up and real nice, turn it sideways, and shove it straight up his candy-ass. At the very least, you’d have instant voice communication with any of your friends, businesses interests, or authorities with the system. A little touch screen on the dashboard could let you select the person, which would send a request to the airship. The airship then locates them on GPS, and laser blasts your asses into togetherness.



You know what? Screw the dashboard screen. We all know that all of this stuff will be handled via smartphone. We’re already seeing computers being their descent into oblivion as phones become more capable.


Josh Snow is a skeptical transhumanist and some-time freelance writer. He’s really pissed that the world didn’t end, and magic didn’t seem to return in full force either. He’ll be sulking about it on Twitter @ArkangelWinter

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